Rix Roundree-Harrison
My police officer compadres, the Cop Crew, found me watching the History Channel show, Ancient Aliens. They became concerned. Officer Ancient Rome, uttered in worried tones, “Oh Lord, Mr. Harrison’s watching Ancient Aliens . . .”
“Again,” Officer Baskin Rob interjected, “Mr. Harrison already has mental health issues. That show exacerbates them.”
Officer Bob the Builder stated, “It puts him in a crazed space alien conspiracy theorist mode.”
“He’ll talk about inevitable alien invasions for hours,” An alarmed Officer Izzy added.
Officer Grant Jr. III’s sister’s husband’s cousin’s nephew suggested, “We’ve got to rein him in now.”
A worried Officer Old-New Friend cried, “What are we going to do with him?”
Officer Cary Carrington Grant Jr. III shouted, “Wait a minute! Why we havin' this conversation? We cops. We got guns. I say we shoot Mr. Harrison and put him out of our misery. Problem solved.”
“Expedient solution. But I’ve a better idea,” Officer Not North Dakota countered. “Let’s stage a mental health intervention with Mr. Harrison.”
This intervention became a behavioral health tête-à-tête that led me and the Cop Crew to craft a curious cosmic conundrum. It’s an interstellar theory regarding alien visitation, gold, diamonds, oil, commerce and a planet-size water park. We call our UFO inspired intergalactic anomaly . . .
U Left Us 2 Drown
Mr. Harrison & the Cop Crew
Ours is a for profit money driven capitalistic society. The down side of capitalism is that it can lead to economic inequality. A detrimental byproduct of economic inequality is mental illness. But the mental health issues that our society and I cope with today stem from unearthly visitors, from another world. It’s theorized that alien visitors instilled within us earthlings the love of gold and the importance of the acquisition and preservation of wealth. In short, it was ancient aliens who made us the mentally ill capitalists we are today.
It is written that over 400,000 years ago, our ancient Sumerian ancestors mined gold for an ancient alien race from another planet. Our ancient Sumerian earth people ancestors were not the aliens’ slaves. The aliens compensated the earth people for the mining they performed. This employer/employee partnership was beneficial to both parties. We dug the gold for the aliens and they taught us the value of this brilliant metal and its importance in attaining personal wealth. Then suddenly one ancient world day, the aliens inexplicably suspended their mining operations. They informed us that something urgent had come up and they had to return to their home planet. So, the aliens hastily packed up their gold, jumped into their spaceship and quickly warped away from earth – seemingly forever.
Curiously, following the aliens’ departure, a biblical world-wide deluge event occurred. You know of it. It’s mentioned in the bible. It was called “The Great Flood.” As you know, The Great Flood nearly washed mankind from the face of the earth. But this is where things get interesting. Evidence suggests that the ancient aliens knew The Great Flood was coming and didn’t bother to tell us gold mining earth people about it. Evidence also suggests, the aliens themselves may also have been responsible for The Great Flood. It appears that the mining techniques employed by the aliens may have rendered the earth’s crust unstable, accidentally triggering the flood. The aliens were too embarrassed to tell us earthlings that their screw up would turn the earth into a giant planetary version of Busch Garden’s Water Country USA. So, the aliens simply said to us – with a straight face, “Thank you earthlings for mining the gold for us. We truly appreciate all of your hard work and dedication. It’s been an absolute pleasure working with you. But now, something’s come up and we gotta jet.” They nervously smiled, “Later earth people,” and uttered a cryptic, “Hope y’all know how to swim.” With that, the aliens were gone. Well, I don’t have to tell you what happened next. The human race was nearly decimated when many of our ancestors drowned in The Great Flood. Can you believe that? After all that gold-digging we did for the aliens, they wave goodbye and leave us to drown. They didn’t even tell us the flood was coming. This is personally problematic for me because I’m a horrible swimmer. If I’d been around 400,000 years ago when The Great Flood washed over the earth, I’d have drowned and I wouldn’t be here today. For that reason, I can never forget or forgive the fact that back in ancient times, the aliens left us to drown.
Now, let us teleport from the ancient world of the Sumerians to today’s denizens of the 21st century. A couple other-worldly events took place in the 1st decade of this century. In 2004 NASA announced the discovery of the planet 55 Cancri E. It’s an uninhabited planet composed of rock. And oh what a rock it is. It’s a diamond. Yes, 55 Cancri E is one big giant diamond. We earth people love diamonds. So naturally we want to make 55 Cancri E one big giant Tiffany’s jewelry store. But there’s a problem, the diamond planet is 41 light years away. With our current rocket ship propulsion systems, we are unable to reach 55 Cancri E. But not to worry, billionaire inventor/industrialist Elon Musk has been tasked with inventing the propulsion tech that would get us to the diamond planet. But this will take decades. So, we won’t be going to 55 Cancri E anytime soon. But listen up you aliens that left us to drown. This presents you with the perfect opportunity to make amends. I’ll get to how later.
The second big piece of interplanetary news of 2004 was when US Navy fighter jets encountered a UFO. The Navy documented this encounter and the fighter jets’ pilots appeared on the esteemed news magazine 60 Minutes to tell their story. In the 60 Minutes’ piece, the pilots informed that the Pentagon is wondering why are the aliens here. They wonder if the aliens wish to initiate some sort of trade agreement with earth like the pact that existed between the gold mining ancient aliens and ancient earth people. It’s surmised that maybe it’s not gold they want this time, but – oil. We earth people have plenty of oil. Oil is a fossil fuel that contributes to global warming. Global warming is bad. We earth people are trying to divest ourselves of oil. We are currently in the process of converting to an all-electric civilization. By 2030 all newly manufactured automobiles will be electric. Many cities and towns are currently implementing laws banning gas powered lawn care equipment in favor of electric lawn care tools. So, we’d be happy to sell the aliens all the oil they want. We’d mark it up 500%, sell it to the aliens and make a hefty profit. Don’t act all indignant and shocked about my alien oil profit proposition. You’re earth people. You know how we roll. It’s all about making a profit.
Before we do business with the aliens, I propose caution as I’ve questions. Are the aliens currently buzzing the earth’s skies new visitors? Are they descendants of the aliens who left us to drown 400,000 years ago? If it’s the latter, we have a problem. Do we really want to do business with someone who left us to drown – literally and figuratively? I’m sorry, but I don’t. As a writer and author, I can tell you right now, I don’t want my intellectual properties to be included in some alien free trade agreement. I don’t want my books and writings made available to alien beings who callously left us drown. If the 21st century aliens are related to those who left us to drown, I say stay to them, stay in your spaceship and keep on steppin’ to the next planet (but not Mars. Elon Musk says that’s ours). You ain’t welcomed here. If we did business with you again and global warming leads to flooding, would you leave us to drown again? You left us to drown once, hence “Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice . . .” nuh-uh, ‘shame on me’ ain’t happenin’. I don’t trust you. You ain’t drownin’ me a second time. And remember this aliens, earth people have guns, lots of ‘em, and we know how to use ‘em. We’ll use ‘em on you if we discover it was indeed you who left us to drown.
Now aliens, I must say, all is not dire. We earth people have big understanding forgiving capitalistic hearts. This leaving us to drown situation can be rectified. How, you ask. Why 55 Cancri E of course. The diamond planet we can’t reach. The 21st century aliens obviously have the spaceship technology that allows them to bend time and space giving them the ability to speedily travel throughout the galaxy. If the current aliens are those who left us to drown want our forgiveness, to obtain it, all they have to do is get us to the diamond planet like, NOW. And all will be forgiven. Earth people love diamonds, as Marilyn Monroe said “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” And as Shirley Bassey sang, “Diamonds are forever.” When we and the aliens do business over 55 Cancri E, this time around we earthlings will be the employers (diamond owners) and the aliens we be the employees (diamond miners). They need to remember, they left us to drown, not the other way around. So, they owe us. Oh, also, the aliens need to take into account, when they encountered the US Navy fighter jets in 2004, the Navy did not shoot them down. Okay, so the Navy jets couldn’t catch the technologically superior alien craft. That’s beside the point. The point is, we didn’t shoot you down. This show of restraint was hard for us because earth people love shooting stuff. But we gave you a break even after you left us to drown lo those many years ago. Oh, and keep in mind, if you do business with us, not only do you have to get us to the diamond planet, you must also purchase every drop of oil on earth. This will facilitate our conversion to clean renewable energy. Those are our terms aliens. Elon Musk, the U.S. Department of Commerce, NASA and the United States Space Force (the new military branch who’ll kick your alien ass if discovered you left us to drown) await your decision.
Oh, by the way my fellow earth people. I told you of the existence of the diamond planet. In case you’re wondering, yes, there is a gold planet. Nope, it’s not light years away. You’re actually standing on it. That’s right it’s our own beautiful big blue planet Earth. Thus far Hubble, Kepler and other earth telescopes have yet to discover a planet that contains the massive amounts of gold our world possesses. So, we’ve got all the gold we can handle. But we could stand a few more diamonds – no not in karats, but in bulk, preferably pounds . . . no, make that tons. Aliens, you left us to drown. We’ll never forget it. We’ll always hold it over you. But we can forgive. Just get us to the diamond planet, pronto.
The Cop Crew’s interstellar intervention brought me back down to earth. In the process we turned my crazed cosmic conspiratorial mental health maelstrom into an intergalactic business proposal. So, what do you think? Should we do business with beings we mined gold for then they turn around and left us to drown? Maybe we should. We could teach the aliens a thing or two regarding proper employer/employee relations. Leaving your workers to drown isn’t cool. We earth people would never do that. If the situation had been reversed, we’d at least have offered the aliens flood insurance.
Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564 or help@LGBThotline.org
988 SUICIDE And CRISIS LIFELINE: Dial 988 or 1-800-273-8255 or 988lifeline.org